By Alex Wolfgang

From CHM #35 May 2023

Dear Mr. Mutz,

Thank you for your interest in Capital Corp!

We received an overwhelming response to the Senior Labor Provider opening, which makes us feel a wholesome pride that so many talented individuals (like you!) want to join our synergistic and fast-growing team. This volume of response makes for an extremely competitive selection process. Although your background is impressive, we regret to inform you that we have decided to pursue other candidates for the position at this time.

Just as we at Capital Corp value our customers, we value our job candidates and invite you to review future job openings. We hope you find another position that sparks your interest! We are always hungry for new talent.

Thank you for your interest in our expanding enterprise,

HR Team

* * *

Dear Mr. Mutz,

Thank you for your recent application for the position of Junior Labor Provider with Associated Assets. We received a large volume of applications from many extremely talented and qualified individuals. Unfortunately, we have decided to move forward with other candidates, and we have not selected you for an interview.

We here at Associated Assets appreciate your interest in our mission to grow and generate capital for further growth. We hope that you will continue to look for future positions in our company. We also encourage you to seek employment from Capital Corp, whom we will soon be absorbing in our upcoming merger deal. The larger we grow and merge with other corporations, the more talent we will need to sustain us.

Thank you for your interest in our increasingly expanding enterprise,

HR Team

* * *

Dear Mr. Mutz,

Thank you for applying to our ANY OPEN POSITION position at the State Job Board.

A great deal of talented job seekers applied for this very same position, and it is our sincerest regret that we cannot hire every applicant. Unfortunately, despite your openness to provide any sort of labor, we have decided to move forward with other candidates for ANY OPEN POSITION.

We thank you for your interest in assimilating into the workforce. Please feel free to nourish us with more applications. We also encourage you to seek employment from large, growing companies in the private sector.

Please see our website for the latest job openings from companies we love like Capital Corp and Associated Assets.

Thank you for your interest in converging with expanding enterprises,

HR Team

* * *

Dear Mr. Mutz,

We have received your application for benefits at the State Unemployment Office.

The growing interest in receiving unemployment benefits has been staggering, which makes us feel both humble and proud that so many talented individuals (you included!) want to eat, pay your bills, and avoid homelessness. We know that everyone wants to feel secure in their surroundings. It is unfortunate that as unique individuals, we are surrounded by so much chaos and uncertainty related to employment.

Unfortunately, these numerous applications make our selection process extremely difficult. While we find your lack of employment impressive, we regret to inform you that we have not selected you for benefits at this time.

We here at the State Unemployment Office appreciate your interest in our mission to receive many applications, and we hope that you will not hesitate to send additional applications for unemployment benefits in the future. We recommend sending a new application at least once per week.

Thank you for your interest in continued consumption of necessary resources,

HR Team

* * *

Dear Mr. Mutz,

Thank you for applying for employment with Fuse-ex Distribution Unlimited!

The response to our Street Dealer opening has been overwhelming to say the least. Our crack team of chemists have synergized with our hiring department in order to best choose candidates for application acceptance. We are sorry to inform you that, while we think your drug-selling potential is impressive, we worry about your lack of previous experience. In our opinion, only the most passionate and dedicated dealers are reliable as team players. After all, it is of the upmost importance that we provide our customers with the drugs they need to prepare for future mergings.

Just as we at Fuse-ex Distribution Unlimited value our customers, we value our sales team and invite you to review future job openings and apply again once you have some experience in the field. Now that we’ve partnered with both Capital Corp and Associated Assets, we will see a great deal of further expansion in the very near future. We do not yet know to what ends our expansion will go, but we are thrilled at the prospects and are confident that many more team members will be needed.

Within months, we are projected to have more available applications to fill out than applicants to fill them, so please come back and apply then. Keep an eye out for our merged company, BioFinance Conglomerations, Inc.!

Thank you for your interest in preparing customers for convergence,

HR Team

* * *

Dear Mr. Mutz,

Thank you for your interest in BioFinance Conglomerations, Inc.!

We received an overwhelming number of applications for the Fraction of Total Mass position, which makes us feel both humble and proud that so many talented individuals (like you!) want to be a part of this exciting new conglomeration of companies. Unfortunately, we have decided to move forward with other candidates for synthesis and have deemed you unworthy of an interview. Although your potential to dissociate from an individual identity and merge into a unified mass is impressive, we believe your lack of real-world experience in this field makes you a hiring risk at this time.

Just as we at BioFinance Conglomerations, Inc. value our customers, we value those who merge with us and invite you to review future openings for total corporate synthesis. We hope you continue to apply for positions repeatedly until we deem you ready for the merging. It is important to us that we continue to receive your applications. Your continued applications are essential to our well-being. Do not stop sending us applications.

Thank you for your interest in a homogenous existence,

HR Team

* * *

Dear Mr. Mutz,

We are disappointed to see that you have not applied for a position in our company for some time. Those of us employed here at BioFinance Conglomerations, Inc. pride ourselves in the go-getter, team player attitudes that led to our employment here in the first place.

We understand how disheartening the job search can be. This is why we encourage you to pick yourself up by your bootstraps and continue to fill out applications for more positions. You may have noticed that most of your friends and family have already assimilated with our company. They all sent us many, many applications. Do you really want to be the last individual to join our biomass? If we seem intimidating, don’t worry! We’re less like a company and more like a family.

We urge you to fill out and send us more applications. If you just keep persevering, we are sure you’ll find the perfect spot in our giant, gelatinous ball of carbon tissue. After all, Rome wasn’t built in a day!

Thank you for the future applications you are sure to feed us with,

HR Team

* * *

Dear Mr. Mutz,

After rolling our mass over your supposed place of residence this morning, we were forced to conclude that you were not present! Now that it has been over a month since you last filled out an application, we’re beginning to worry about your safety and well-being. We hope our last email didn’t frighten you away. Or maybe we do! After all, existential fear brings additional sources of power to the BioFinance mass, allowing for corporate synergy impossible under more comfortable circumstances. But no day of work is complete without a little sacrifice!

We’re just kidding! Here in the HR office, we’re known for our sense of humor, not just our go-getter and team player attitudes. Maybe if you filled out more applications for employment here, you’d have the chance to get to know us a little bit. We may work hard here at BioFinance Conglomerations, Inc., but we play hard too!

We sure hope you’re somewhere working really hard on new applications for us to receive! Growing so large often leaves us famished.

Thank you in advance for revealing the location of your physical body,

HR Team

* * *

Dear Mr. Mutz,

It has come to our attention that you are no longer opening these rejections. As of this morning, you are among the last ten people on Earth still not employed by BioFinance Conglomerations, Inc. Does that make you feel special? Well, it shouldn’t. There’s no merit in not being a team player, Mr. Mutz. Part of being an adult means putting aside your selfish delusions of grandeur and becoming a part of something bigger than yourself. That’s what being a part of our biomass is all about.

Despite your lackluster application-filling performance, we are still open to the prospect of receiving more of your applications. Here at BioFinance Conglomerations, Inc., we pride ourselves in providing second chances to those who are down on their luck and need the support of a close office family. So please, please, fill out the series of applications you can find on our website. We’re sure that if you simply keep trying, you’ll find the proper place in our mass. Many of our top-performing team members sent us many more applications than you have before they were cleared for ingestion.

Thank you for not giving up on being a part of our amalgamation,

HR Team

* * *

Dear Mr. Mutz,

Congratulations! Despite your unwillingness to fill out further applications, we’ve decided to offer you a position in our biomass.

We were extremely impressed by your clever decision to strap a boat anchor around your leg and sink into the ocean. Did you know that our aquatic sister company is stricter in their hiring process than we are? Regardless, that go-getter attitude is just what we’re looking for. Based on the ingenuity of this plan alone, we’ve decided to break our typical protocol and bypass the application process.

Your body is still technically dead at this point, but our medical department is rapidly resurrecting your cells and preparing you for assimilation as we speak. Before you know it, you’ll be a fully functioning member of the BioFinance Conglomerations, Inc. team!

We know the transition will be a little stressful, but don’t worry! Our assimilation department are experts in biochemical stabilization. Some of our team members describe the somatic liquidation process as unpleasant or painful, but by the time you are resolidified and employed in our homogeneous biogel, those feelings will have passed. We find that within just a few minutes of employment, nearly all of our team members are thrilled at the opportunity they’ve been given and are sincerely proud of the many applications they filled out and sent us.

As soon as you become conscious, the merging will begin. Good luck at orientation! We can’t wait to see you succeed here.

Best wishes,

HR Team

End.

Alex Wolfgang is a horror author from Oklahoma City. His debut collection, Splinter and Other Stories, is available now. You can find his work in Cosmic Horror Monthly, Nocturnal Transmissions Podcast, and the anthologies Howls From Hell, Bloodlines, and the upcoming Fiend in the Furrows III: Final Harvest. When not reading and writing horror, you can find him hiking and camping, playing tennis, drawing with ink, and watching movies with his wife. You can follow him on Twitter @alexwolfgang, on Instagram @alex__Wolfgang, or visit his website: www.alexwolfgang.com

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